mama-maia angst

You know, I don't ever think I will get it right. This whole mothering thing is so confusing so unbelievably mind-blowing and sleep depriving and I feel like every day I have done one more terribly-wrong, forever-memorable, therapy-inducing thing to my children.
Example - today was our first day of bringing Sophia to preschool with Stella (which means that we don't stay), and while I got Sophia into preschool with no problem, she didn't seem to engage with anything/any activity at preschool and I had a hard time leaving while she was just standing there staring at things (boy oh boy is she ever a WATCHER). So I finally got her into some puzzles and I left and drove around so Stella could take her nap, and then I went back to the preschool parking lot and hung out, thinking of all kinds of things that I wanted to write down so I wouldn't forget AND I HAD NO FUNCTIONING PEN. Oh well. And I had thought that perhaps Stella would wake at 10:45 and indeed she did, but because I didn't want to be late for preschool pickup we were terribly early, and non-matriculated babies are not allowed at preschool so now I have to confine Stella to the car while she's awake. I could have been at Fred Meyer buying graham crackers but I was too worried that I would be late. (I think the earliest they have ever gotten out is 11:30 and that's EARLY. I wish they would just go ahead and decide that it ends at 12. Sheesh.
Okay so now we have to go grocery shopping and I THOUGHT that we would go to PCC after preschool so I had told that to Sophia and now when I say we are going to Fred Meyer she declares "No Fred Meyer, 'doshie torr'" even though Fred Meyer certainly qualifies as a grocery store. SO I compromise and we go to QFC where there is a little playground and I plan to get a sandwich for us to share and some baby food for Stella and it's all going well enough except towards the end of shopping Stella starts crying because she's really hungry and there are these high school kids in the parking lot playing really loud rap music and throwing around a football and Sophia cannot stop watching them and pay attention to eating and I am trying to feed both kids simulatneously without any highchairs (on a bird-poop covered picnic table) and Stella keeps grabbing her spoon when I put it down to help Sophia with her sandwich and then when I am getting out the second half of the sandwich I DROP IT on the ground and I yell (one of those I-am-so-frustrated-that-must-yell-or-i-will-lose-it kind of ways) and I make Stella cry (future therapy). It makes me feel like, not only am I not allowed to have much of my own life right now, I am also not allowed to express my feelings. And of course I know that Stella doesn't understand why I am yelling and so no wonder she cries, but I still find it unbelievably unfair that I can't at least yell. If I am not allowed to swear and I am not allowed to yell how am I supposed to vent?
On a more positive note, I declared that Sophia needed a nap today and she is actually taking one, as is Stella, AND they are int he same room. I have been having more and more angst about sharing room and sleep lately as Stella gets older and needs to learn more how to resettle herself at night and how to fall asleep without me or without a lot of crying BECAUSE I have been using our playpen in the living room as a back-up bed for Stella and it works great, but this is the very playpen that I promised we would send to Glenn and Liz and the twins. Way back when, when Stella was wee and sleeping in a basket I fore-saw none of the issues we have now and I said "We aren't even using it - of course you can have it - take it of your baby registry!" and I use it every day now. I want so much to break both Stella and I from using it but this would require A LOT of getting up and BEING up in the night for me (removing Stella from the bedroom when she's too loud, rocking her over and over again to get her asleep for who knows how many nights AND I JUST DON'T FEEL UP TO IT! Which makes me feel lazy and crappy.
Have I mentioned how many thank-you notes I haven't sent yet? Shall I write about my dread of the CHRISTMAS CARD - just how are we ever going to get a good picture of the two girls unless we start trying NOW? And birthday cards and christmas presents and babysitting during the holidays and work also mentioned they'd like me to work more hours.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I JUST WISH I COULD GIVE STELLA COW MILK NOW??? And it's not even about weaning... she just doesn't nurse for very long because she's too busy and I can't help but feel like she's not getting enough liquid (though she does drink water and she's not constipated)- clearly I think that milk is ... something she would enjoy and I look forward to watching her suck down lots of milk. I remember how much milk Sophia would drink.

I feel very anxious about lots of stuff.
Last night Sophia woke up right after she went to bed and would scream cry after Jeff or I resettled her. This went on for more than 2 hours. And I KNOW she was scared of something but she just wouldn't/couldn't tell me what it was. And I started to get really frustrated because it was like groundhog day - I would go to her, calm her down, show her there were no scary things and tuck her back in, and go back to bed and as soon as I started to drift off she would start crying again (Stella luckily slept through all this out in the playpen). So I am getting more and more frustrated at my inability to solve the problem and at Sophia's inability to tell me what is bothering her and I KNOW that something has scared her and I feel utterly and completely responsible that I didn't protect her from the scary things. I finally gave her tylenol and it eventually worked and by 11pm we were all asleep. I think Stella got up at 12:!5. She's got a new cold so I am nursing her even if she wakes up that early.
I really really need a haircut and I really really want a haircut and I have been thinking about it more and more and now I am anxious that I will choose the wrong haircut. What if it;s too short and I can't pull it back when I need to (I hate the idea of getting hair in the kids faces all the time), what if it's just long enough so it just lies flat and limp and looks ugly and I just end up putting it in a hair elastic everyday again like I do now? And where should I go for a haircut anyway?

So please understand that this is not moaning and groaning - this is utter and complete confusion.

but the best part is that our kids are great and I love them soooo much and I enjoy being with them everyday, even when I can't figure out what to make for dinner or when I have no energy for play and I let Sophia watch sesame street or when I pick her up and carry her into the house and make her take a nap (after reading four library books to her). Do you know how much I would pay to have a video tape of Sophia in preschool on the days that I am not there with her? I really hope that she can forget all my grouchy moments and remember the times when we danced like crazy in the living room or played "chasing you" around and around the apple tree in the back yard. I just hope I don't screw it up too badly.