oof
there is always change. we settle into a pattern, a routine and then I realize that she is growing and changing and we need to grow and change the routine too... and it seems mostly that it is harder for ME to change than it is for her.
she needs to learn to just eat what is made for her instead of me running around making what I think she might like. It's been hard since she's so tiny and I always want to make sure that she is eating and growing! I've allowed grazing and snacking and I've given her item after item until she's eaten. I am a sucker. It is so hard!
and I know that it's only going to get harder with two of the little ankle biters around!
I need somehow to learn to believe in myself more, to believe that my decisions are right and to know that I know better than she.
I am going to put us on a daily schedule.
I have to. I need to write it down so I will follow it. It's too easy to change on a whim if I can see a friend or if she falls asleep randomly in the car. Soon enough I will be having to make a schedule for #2 anyway.
I think I need to learn how to bring myself up in importance. *!%^#&@*!!! I know I need to learn this - I've known for soooo long. I need to learn to ask for help.
Maybe I am afraid to ask for help because I am afraid of hearing "oh I can't..." and feeling so lost and alone and rejected afterward. It's happened and it hurt. I think it hurt mostly because I don't ask for help often so when I do and I am rejected it feels so much worse.
I started re-reading Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions" again for the thousandth time and I am so jealous of her many friends who come by and help after she has a baby. I think she calls them her pit crew. I guess I have moved too often to have a pit crew. My mom is great and I have to give her a huge shout-out THANK YOU!!!
Add to today's not-eating frustration:
- hours of wriggling and thumping and drumming and somersaulting of #2
- an evil chest cold
- inability to sleep and much much tiredness
- my guilt over not getting things done when I am awake in the middle of the night (but who wants to leave a warm bed?)
- my guilt about not getting things done after I put Sophia to bed when I finally get a chance to rest (my most deep and sincere apologies to my wonderful friend Stuart for stalling and stalling on the donut production)
- my guilt over never doing anything creative even when I have many ideas for things I want to do
It is amazing what one takes for granted without kids. I know, I know - I CHOSE TO HAVE THEM. I miss being able to pay attention to what I look like. BUT I did get kiss after kiss tonight from Sophia and after much pestering she did say "juice" (and so got some). She needs to learn words - her random pointing isn;t working out too well anymore.
posted by Maia LeDoux @ 8:09 PM
2 Comments:
OOoh Maia don't be hard on yourself, I am sure your one of the best moms out there and will continue to be, and from what I can tell in the pics of you ,ya look great, but I do understand how you feel I have tied my hair up wet to keep it out of Nico's strong clutches and the rest of the day goes by and I haven't even looked in a mirror. Oh yeah and I am just starting to get more strict with Gigi eating what I make and to cut down on the snacking but its so hard beiong that shes tiny and I just want to make sure she eats something. Give yourself time. Nico is almost 5 months old and I still don't have a definite schedule for him, He wants what he wants when he wants it, and will not be forced to sleep but when he does want to sleep he sleeps deep and good, even with lots of noise. Just go with it and be patient, I have found that gigi deals better with the attention I give Nico if I make time to play with her while hes sleeping. I keep telling myself it will only get easier, well slightly. I still have to get Nico to sleep somewhere other than his carseat, and I live in a 2 bedroom apt. The only way I can deal with this is to just look at the scenario down the road, nico won't be 17 and sleeping in his carseat.
Dear Maia,
You are a super mommy and a super wonderful wife. Don't feel guilty for not "getting things done" when Sophia's asleep...part of having kids is being able to let go of that stuff (I know it's easier said than done). If it makes you feel any better, I always feel like I'm doing laundry everyday because it takes me 2-3 days just to wash, dry, fold and put away a load of clothes. Once the kids are a little older and more independent, the time will come when you can finally get the things on your "list" done...it will come, I promise! I totally understand wanting to exercise your creativity and missing doing that when you want to. I miss performing, I miss dancing, but it just seems impossible right now. Hang in there...wish we could be there to give you the support you need! xoxo
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